i could make some digestive jokes

oh the days we used to know
when youth was new and being young seemed still far off
so uninhibited
we'd sing songs and think thoughts
not scared of surroundings
maybe, actually, probably molded by them
speak words
everything was novel and normal and solid and fluid
the beauty of still not fully developed mindbrainsouls
sounds pejorative, immaturity
but the face of a child, the faith of a child
is something i want back

i'm luckier than some, maybe it's got naught to do with luck
play and feel, love intensely and the rest is detail
but don't forget the detail
take note:
every good and perfect thing is a gift
usually can't tell, my vision's got limits
put on my glasses to see clearer but then realize that you just gotta close your eyes
and don't forget to open them

livin' in vanity, no short of insanity
go through the motions but then never see
that there's more
in the ocean water the radio show and dim candlelight
among the baby mamas and slow-growing flowers
babe it just takes time
gotta wait a little until you see
the irony
give things labels and lose the soul behind it
what the hell, you're just being mediated
ridin on assumptions takin prejudice as truth
fillin in everyone else's blanks
then lose some friends, lose it all, what's it worth
i'm constantly dancing on the hyphen
sold out but still here
wondrin' about strength courage and wisdom

so act a fool, lose your mind
feel a bit, feel the beat, you ain't wastin time

run like ink of india
be fine like china
ready to breath ready to see
ready to break out and finally be
uncertain but trustin
life's not on hold, no such thing
my friend
once told me
we puttin on each other's shoes
and that's what i'm here to do
i've got hopes and expectations, you said
life ain't no joke but it's for life that we tryin to live
motivate your mind your kind be kind your kin akin be keen to things you've seen
you said
God protects babies and fools
I know not I am who?
be foolish childish? child-like, like a child completely dependent
get it straight, the cross ain't just a pendant
parallel perspective them some pretty words
stop with the words
we know too much, just shut us up
and tell me your story.

Things thus far

In these eight months, where have I been, I can't tell. Too much has happened. It's hard to say. My heart's--I have--been torn and stretched and grown and shattered and filled and overflowing and tenderized like a wad of ground beef, changed, formed, aligned, confused, longing, sustained.

My sister got engaged since the last time I wrote. Now 4.5 months till the big day.

Mission Adventures was six months ago. I'd say that's where the stretching really got kicked up a notch. There's something about being outside your comfort zone that is incredible. Makes you always examine, ground yourself. I wish it were always like that. Theoretically, I suppose it should--being a stranger in the world (one foot in the city of God and one in the city of Man, a la Augustine). I think I know now where all the outletting went between then and now. Yes, I kept a journal. Thank God, because my own memory would have failed me otherwise. Pages filled with prayers, thoughts, slogans, concerns, hopefulness, lists, reminders, doodles, creation.

Fall 2009 semester started three months ago. And in the craziness of assignments and research and papers and caffeine, not doing laundry and/or dishes, wondering where the heck the days have been disappearing to, I've managed to survive with the least bit of levelheadedness. I became a Religion major at some point. To understand humanity. To understand what people believe in at the most fundamental level. Traditions, yes, customs, yes, but more than that--purpose.

I'm trying to figure out life. Future plans: going abroad to India next fall. How to write my papers, get through the rest of the semester's assignments. How to gently silence the noise around me--literally and mentally. Taking responsibilities.

More than that, I'm living in hope. Worry not, there's more to come. For now, I think I should be a faithful student and close my eyes for a bit.

Better Days - Robbie Seay Band

First of all, thanks for listening to our song
We hope this finds you driving in your car
or wherever you are, breathe out and breathe again, know that life is hard, but it's worth breathing
listen to me now for love, oh love,
It's waiting for you just to say

here come better days
here come better days
better days, and a better place I know

Secondly, I'm all messed up so royally
I stumbled my way here, but wait, oh wait
grace has found me, shaken up my soul, grace will follow wherever you will go,
listen to me now grace, oh grace,
is calling for you just to say

here come better days
here come better days
better days, and a better place I know

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,
the wind is moving through the trees blustering you,
and the better days you bring, the better places found,
feasting at your table I'm overwhelmed
and I lift my glass, drink to those who never gave up,
clouds pass, fading into memories gone, and all I know for life is life and love and peace
what else could there be?

here come better days, oh here come better days
better days, and a better place I know

First day back and I can't write...

Yeah, you play the cello and you have perfect pitch. And you can speak French, ohne Akzent. I admire that. Why did I write that? German class, tick tock, breakfast: Ugh, the vegetable cream cheese is watery. I suppose I'll settle for scallion today. The weather just smells like Spring. I'm so excited I can't contain myself. What a mess! I want to say something, anything, but I can't. What I mean is I can't say anything that'll mean anything real. The depiction that comes to mind is the translation process of forming amino acids from genetic information, it's a beautifully mechanical and regular function that has got all its parts working to create a fluid and functional result--that's what I'm not doing. It's hard for me to formulate a flow of words that makes sense, to articulate exactly what it is I want to say. It's probably my limited capacity and incapability to do so, but it might just be that the words I want to say can't be found, but I guess it all comes back to my limitidity. Not a word, but blogspot doesn't correct me. Looking back, this is probably going to be one of those posts that I read over and say to myself, Geez, what was I thinking? Was I? This makes zero sense. I sucked. I think I think too much, and when I think too much I just ramble nonsensically because all I've got is all these thoughts that don't amount to much more than a mess of entropic Quatsch. So excuse me, dear future Grace.

It's time for lunch or something like that.
The ACDC should try rice pudding. Ehh, actually maybe not. I'm sort of afraid of what'll happen to the conception of rice pudding in my mind afterwards.

Saturweek

Not many people know very much about me. Blurbs, maybe, and maybe they know those snippets very thoroughly because they've been there, too. But no one has been there to see it all. Maybe that's where a spousy person comes in. Now I'm not just being another anonymous blogger complaining about petty goings of life, clearly not, but there's something I've come to realize in my relationships with others--that presently, they're all for the most part in the earlier stages where you need to be wary and blah and blah and yeah. At the same time, I'm comforted knowing that I really do need the Big Man Upstairs, who has been there through it all, every moment, in sickness and in health (...), he's seen it all and has been right there. Sure, everyone walks different paths in life, and lots of times, there aren't other people to hold your hand. It's sort of like the monad idea that Leibniz presents. Everyone is an individual, independent unit, that is, its own indivisible substance that doesn't depend on other monads and ultimately does not interact with other monads save the Creator monad.

Speaking of which, I should be writing a couple of papers.

Shabbat Shalom.

Promise

Girl, my heart breaks for you. I can see the cracks and tears that only get worse as time goes on and no one comes to fix it. Girl, my heart breaks for you. Where to go, what to do? Stop looking around. Take a look at a whole different plane of being. Look for something better. Look for something bigger. I may not be able to help you, but I certainly know someone who can. And so I sit here and earnestly hope for the best for you. Do trust it when it comes.